


Strange Feelings

by QueenieLacy



Series: Lose Control [14]
Category: Black Panther (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cousin Incest, Cuddling & Snuggling, Erik doesn't know her, Erik says some bad words, Explicit Language, Feelings Realization, Feelings???, M/M, Queen Ramonda is a hater, Stargazing, The Elders are haters, what are those?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 13:57:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20908784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenieLacy/pseuds/QueenieLacy
Summary: Erik realizes he has feelings for T'Challa





	Strange Feelings

N’Jadaka felt T’Challa shift against his body to get comfortable, the king laying his head on N’Jadaka’s chest and slipping his arms around N’Jadaka’s waist. T’Challa closed his eyes as he listened to his lover’s heartbeat while N’Jadaka gazed up at the stars. The couple laid out on the balcony that connected to their apartment. 

T’Challa made a makeshift bed out of duvets and pillows for them to lay on and N’Jadaka brought a blanket for them to cover up with. This wasn’t something they did often. Stargazing was something that was reserved for those hard days when all the elders seemed to be against them, all of the tribes were fighting with one another, the Jabari were throwing fits and the whole world seemed to be bothering them. 

The couple began laying out on the balcony when T’Challa found N’Jadaka hiding out of the balcony, away from everyone and his duties. It had been a particularly hard day for him. T’Challa knew N’Jadaka would never admit it, but the comments the elders and his mother made about him wore him down at times. 

The council meeting that day had been a screaming match with insults thrown on both sides and N’Jadaka stormed out before his mother could continue her verbal assault. Her words were disrespectful but N’Jadaka turning his back on the queen mother was even more disrespectful, and showed how the power balance had shifted when T’Challa didn’t even attempt to stop N’Jadaka. 

T’Challa entered the balcony and sat in a seat away from N’Jadaka, allowing him to have his semi-alone time. The couple stayed on the balcony, silently looking up the stars, until N’Jadaka slipped out of his seat and walked over to T’Challa, sitting down in his lap and cuddling up with him. T’Challa happily allowed N’Jadaka onto his lap and held the man close as he complained about the elders. Ever since that night, stargazing had been their go-to stress reliever. 

“I can hear your heartbeat.” T’Challa spoke and N’Jadaka let out a chuckle.

“Well, I hope so.” N’Jadaka responded. “Wit yo’ supa dupa ears or whateva.” He added and T’Challa smiled.

“It is strong.” T’Challa continued about N’Jadaka’s heart. “It speaks to me.” He added and that made N’Jadaka’s eyebrow raise. 

“Really?” N’Jadaka questioned with fake curiosity as he continued to look up at the sky. “What’s it sayin’?”

“It is saying…” T’Challa trailed off as he pretended to listen closely. “Stop yelling at T’Challa when the elders make you mad. He cannot control them.” T’Challa joked and N’Jadaka started to laugh. “And it is also saying to allow T’Challa to keep you tied down to his bed and have his way with you all day.” He added and N’Jadaka started to laugh harder at the king’s words. 

“You so stupid...and you can control them crusty elders.” N’Jadaka said through his laughter. He could feel the rumble of T’Challa’s laughter against his side before the man pressed a kiss to his clothed chest, above where his heart would be.

_ ‘Can’t believe I love this goofy ass nigga.’ _

N’Jadaka’s eyes widen and his body stiffened after the thought crosses his mind. Love? No, he couldn’t possibly love T’Challa. He didn’t do love. He barely did ‘like’. Love made you soft, love made you weak. Love always got in the way of prosperity. It did him no good in his life, so he buried it away. He locked it in what he thought was an impenetrable box inside of his mind so that it wouldn’t distract him from his goals and ambitions. He never had time for love in the past but now, was love an option for him? 

He hadn’t loved, truly loved, anyone since his parents died. Did he even know how to love anymore? Could he even say the L-word out loud to T’Challa? Sure he could, but what’s the point of saying it if he couldn’t back it up? He was always an action man. Yeah he talked a lot of shit, but he always backed it up with his actions. Love wasn’t something you could just read about or watch a video and with a little practice, know and understand how to do it. He couldn’t love T’Challa. He didn’t know how to.

“What’s wrong?” T’Challa asked as he turned his head to look up at N’Jadaka. He felt his body stiffen against his and his heartbeat sped up.

N’Jadaka was brought out of his thoughts by T’Challa’s question. He gazed down at the king and shook his head. “Nothin’.” He answered and cleared his throat. “It’s just…” He let out a chuckle as a lie popped in his head. “I just remembered I was suppose to finish making a part for Shuri’s project. I forgot about it. She’s gonna kick my ass tomorrow.” 

T’Challa nodded and gave N’Jadaka a soft smile. He knows his lover is lying about what is really worrying him, but he decided not to push the issue. T’Challa learned to not push his lover too much. Eventually, Erik would come to him with whatever was worrying him. He always did. “No, she won’t. She needs your help.” He smiled and N’Jadaka let out a chuckle.

N’Jadaka let out a soft chuckle. “She’ll use me, then kick my ass.” He reasoned. “That makes me feel special.” He reached his arms up to stretch before moving to sit up. “I’m going to bed.” He announced and T’Challa moved to sit up as well. 

“Me too.” The king arrived as he stood along with N’Jadaka. The couple left the balcony, closing and locking the doors behind them before moving into the bedroom. They crawled into bed and T’Challa grabbed N’Jadaka, pulling him close to his body. 

“Goodnight.” T’Challa spoke and pressed a kiss to N’Jadaka’s lips.

“Goodnight.” N’Jadaka replied and watched as T’Challa closed his eyes to sleep. ‘ _ Love you’ _ He thought before closing his eyes and trying to rest, knowing he wouldn’t be able to. His thoughts couldn’t possibly be true. He didn’t love. He couldn’t love...If he did love, that was bad news for his king.

* * *

T’Challa was a very patient man. He was even more patient when it came to his lover. He knew all about N’Jadaka’s past and understood his upbringing caused the man to have a different attitude about issues and chose to act in ways that confused him, but even this was too much for the tolerant king. 

Ever since the night they spent out on the balcony, N’Jadaka had done his best job in avoiding T’Challa. He barely saw his lover over the past two weeks. T’Challa would admit that he, at first, didn’t notice how N’Jadaka was avoiding him. An issue had come up on the continent, with countries taking shots at one another in the media. T’Challa spent most of is days dealing with that issue and keeping everyone at peace. At the end of those days, he fall into bed and sleep soundly before getting up and starting all over again. 

Once the issue on the continent had been taken care of, Wakanda had a bit of infighting that took up all of his attention. The Mining Tribe was having issues with the Merchant Tribe. The Border Tribe was fighting with the River Tribe and it seemed like the Jabari had issues with everyone. T’Challa finally got everyone to calm down long enough to work out a few deals that brought peace back to Wakanda. 

Now that T’Challa was no longer bogged down with any major issues, he wanted nothing more than to lay up with N’Jadaka and talk about how much of any idiot the various elders and other people were. However it seemed N’Jadaka didn’t want to be around him. At first, he thought he was imagining things. His lack of sleep finally getting to him, but T’Challa knew he wasn’t dreaming this up. His lover was purposely avoiding him.

When he rose in the morning, N’Jadaka would already be gone and he would be fast asleep when he returned to be that night. N’Jadaka had all of his meals brought to his office or Shuri’s lab, or wherever that wasn’t their dining room. T’Challa didn’t even run into his lover in the hallways of the palace. His suspicions were confirmed when he learned his assistant gave Bahati his schedule. Bahati explained that N’Jadaka wanted it and T’Challa knew that his lover had been planning his day around his schedule. 

T’Challa came up with a plan to finally get N’Jadaka to face him and tell him what the issue was. He had his assistant change his lunch time on his schedule. He told the assistant to move it back an hour and if anyone asked about it, tell them an important last minute conference call came in and he had to take it. The king then had their private dining room set up for lunch. If he was right about N’Jadaka avoiding him, then he would now eat an hour earlier. 

Food items and drink were placed on the small table before the king dismissed everyone from the room. He wanted to be alone with his lover and he knew N’Jadaka wouldn’t talk about the issue in front of others. He sat down at the table and stared straight ahead at the door, waiting for N’Jadaka to appear before him. He waited a few more minutes before he heard the door knob turn.

The door to their private dining room slowly opened an in walked his N’Jadaka. He was looking down at his kimoyo beads, fiddling with them as he kicked the door closed. “Aight, Imma eat real quick and meet you in the lab.” N’Jadaka promised before he turned off the transmission between him and Shuri. He looked away from the beads and gasped when he saw T’Challa sitting at the table. His hand came up to lay on his chest as a gasp.

“Shit.” He swore as he looked at the king. The king was sitting with his arms folded over his lap and a smirk on his face. The sight of T’Challa in his sexy black royal robe and smirking face made N’Jadaka think about how long it had been since the fucked. He quickly shook that thought away as a puzzled look formed on his face. He could of sworn T’Challa’s schedule said he was having lunch later. Did he read it wrong? No, there was no way he did.

“I did not mean to startle you.” T’Challa spoke up as N’Jadaka stared at him with confusion in his eyes. T’Challa stood from his chair and moved to pull out N’Jadaka’s seat. “Sit and eat with me. I feel like I have not seen you in forever.” He smiled as he looked over at his lover. He could see the man’s mind working overtime to figure out where he went wrong and why he was currently in the dining room and not on a conference call.

N’Jadaka cleared his throat before looking down at his beads again. He really wanted to sit and spend time with T’Challa, but he was convinced this was better for T’Challa. He had to stay away. “I...I-um, I just remembered I need...I have somethin’ I need to do. I gotta…” He trailed off as he turned toward the door to leave but he didn’t get far. T’Challa quickly moved to stop N’Jadaka from leaving. He reached out and grabbed his lover’s wrist.

“N’Jadaka…” T’Challa called out as he grabbed his lover. He pulled on his wrist, forcing the other man to turn around and face him.

“Aye! Let me go.” N’Jadaka demanded but T’Challa just pulled the man close to his body. He let go of N’Jadaka’s wrist to wrap his arms around N’Jadaka’s waist.

“Please, N’Jadaka, talk to me.” T’Challa begged as his lover struggled in his arms, desperate to get away. “How can I fix my mistake if you don’t tell me what I did?” He explained and N’Jadaka stopped his struggling.

“You didn’t do nothing.” N’Jadaka wanted to make that clear. He didn’t want T’Challa feeling bad. “This is me, I…” He looked down and swallowed hard as the words almost fell from his lips. He looked back up a T’Challa, his watering eyes threatening to betray him. “I just can’t be around you.” He confessed. 

T’Challa frowned at his confession. “Why? What is the matter?” He questioned. “N’Jadaka-.”

“It’s better this way.” N’Jadaka interrupted him. “It’s better for you. I...I think I should go away.”

“Away?” The king questioned. “What are you talking about? Going where?”

“Back to the States.” N’Jadaka answered. 

T’Challa nodded. “If you want to visit, that is fine. I can arra-.”

“Not to visit.” N’Jadaka stopped him again. “I think it’s better for you if I left Wakanda and went back to the States...permanently.” He admitted and T’Challa’s eyes widened in shock.

“What?” He gasped. He felt as if the floor had been pulled out from under him. N’Jadaka wanted to leave Wakanda...he wanted to leave him. “No.” T’Challa said and shook his head. “Is someone putting you up to this? You do not have to be afraid...Is it my mother? She told you to leave? I will speak with here. She has no right-.”

“T’Challa.” N’Jadaka said softly and the king stopped speaking. “This is my decision. I can’t…” N’Jadaka knew he would start crying if he didn’t get out of T’Challa’s embrace soon. He moved to turn away from T’Challa and get out of grip, but T’Challa just tightened his hold on him.

“No.” T’Challa said sternly as held onto N’Jadaka.

“Let me go!” N’Jadaka yelled and T’Challa just shook his head again.

“No.” He repeated. “No, you can’t...you don’t just get to walk out of my life without an explanation. I’m not going to let you just disappear on me without another word. Why, N’Jadaka?” T’Challa could feel his eyes watering as he looked into his lover’s eyes. He didn’t want this to be the last time he held N’Jadaka in his arms and looked into those brown eyes. “Why do you want to go? What was so bad-“

“Nothing!” N’Jadaka yelled. 

“Then why?” T’Challa repeated his question. “Why do you want to leave Wakanda?”

“I...You”

“Why do you want to go back to America to live?” 

“Cuz…”

“Why do you want to leave my arms?”

“I love you!” 

T’Challa fell silent after N’Jadaka blurted out the three word sentence. Tears broke through and started to run down N’Jadaka’s face. T’Challa loosened his grip on N’Jadaka’s waist as he man stopped struggling. “Because I love you.” N’Jadaka repeated softly. His lip quivered as he looked into T’Challa’s eyes. He could see the confusion in them as he started to explain.

“When I realized I loved you, I knew I had to leave.” N’Jadaka started as a few more tears fell from his eyes. “I had to get far away from you and forget this feelin’ cuz everyone I love di-.” N’Jadaka’s breathing hitched as he couldn’t even bring himself to say the word, just thinking about T’Challa dying before his time made N’Jadaka sick inside.

T’Challa reached up to cup N’Jadaka’s cheeks, wiping his tears away with his thumbs. “N’Jadaka…” T’Challa started as he realized what the man was getting at. N’Jadaka had only love a few people in his life and they all died way before reaching old age. N’Jadaka must believe he’s bad luck and will get him killed. “I love you too.” He confessed and N’Jadaka’s eyes widened slightly before he relaxed.

“Really?” N’Jadaka questioned, excited on the inside that T’Challa returned his feelings but also scared by that fact.

“Yes, more than you know.” T’Challa admitted as he cupped N’Jadaka’s face. “I love everything about you. Your intelligence, your wittiness, your attitude.” He said and that made N’Jadaka. “You’re so caring, and you have a big heart. Don’t get me started on your body.” N’Jadaka chuckled at the last part. “Nothing bad will come from loving you.”

T’Challa smiled at him before continuing. “I know I’m suppose to be with you. You’re the one I’m supposed to go to sleep next to and wake up alongside. You’re the one I’m supposed to raise children with and rule this country with. You’re the one I’m supposed to grow old with. I love you, N’Jadaka.” He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to N’Jadaka’s. “I’m not letting you go anywhere.”

“I don’t wanna hurt you.” N’Jadaka worried aloud as he pressed his forehead to T’Challa’s. “I don’t...I haven’t loved in a long time. I closed that part of myself off after mom died and I...I love the feeling of loving you, but I hate feeling so vulnerable.” He confessed and swallowed hard. “When I feel vulnerable, I lash out and-.”

“And I’ll be right here.” T’Challa promised. “To take whatever you throw at me.”

“That’s not fair to you.” N’Jadaka reasoned.

“Why don’t you let me decide what’s fair for me.” T’Challa retorted with a slight smirk.

“Be patient with me.” N’Jadaka suggested and T’Challa nodded.

“Always.” T’Challa promised before kissing N’Jadaka again. N’Jadaka wrapped his arms around T’Challa as he deepened the kiss, moaning into T’Challa’s mouth. He’d gone too long without the king’s touch. 

“Don’t avoid me again.” T’Challa mumbled against N’Jadaka’s lips.

“Never again.” He promised before the couple started to kiss again. “Missed you.”

“I Missed you too.” T’Challa confessed as his hands found N’Jadaka’s hips.

“How much time do you have?” N’Jadaka questioned as he pulled back slightly. He couldn’t remember it word for word but T’Challa’s schedule looked packed.

“All day.” T’Challa answered and N’Jadaka frowned in confusion. “That schedule was fake.”

N’Jadaka narrowed his eyes at the king. “Oh, you slick son of a-.” He was cut off by another kiss from T’Challa. 

Here? Or bedroom?” T’Challa asked.

N’Jadaka smirked as he pulled at T’Challa’s robe. “Here first, then bedroom. Wanna eat that fruit off your body.” T’Challa growled and wrapped his arms N’Jadaka, picking him up and carrying him over to the table.

“Oh, I love you so much.” The king said in N’Jadaka’s ear as he placed him on the table.

“Show me how much you love, my king.” N’Jadaka challenged him. T’Challa cupped his face and he leaned in closer.

“I’m going to do just that.” T’Challa pressed a kiss to N’Jadaka’s lips before pulling back again. “My king.” T’Challa captured N’Jadaka’s lips again in a passionate kiss, knowing this was exactly where he was supposed to be. With the ruler of his world, his one and only king.


End file.
